Insult swordfighting is a feature of many of the Monkey Island graphic adventure games. It is a form of swordfighting in which the participants, as well as trading blows with their swords, also trade cutting insults at appropriate moments. In the games, protagonist Guybrush Threepwood must turn to insult swordfighting on numerous occasions in order to complete some form of challenge. The literary precedent for this is Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac who composes an insulting ode to his opponent while beating him in a duel. The insults for Monkey Island 1 were written by author Orson Scott Card. The Secret of Monkey Island, CD version. ... Swordsmanship refers to the skills of a swordsman, a person versed in fencing with a sword. ... Close up portrait of Guybrush from The Secret of Monkey Island. ... Edmond Eugène Alexis Rostand (April 1, 1868 - December 2, 1918), French poet and dramatist. ... Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac (March 6, 1619 – July 28, 1655) was a French dramatist born in Paris, who is now best remembered for the many works of fiction which have been woven around his life story, most notably the play by Edmond Rostand which bears his name. ... The examples and perspective in this article or section may not represent a worldwide view. ... The introduction to this article is too long. ...

Monkey Island 1

In the first game, Guybrush must beat the swordmaster of Mêlée Island, Carla, in insult swordfighting, in order to become a pirate. First though, he has to be trained in the basic concept, this training is provided (at a price) by Captain Smirk. He then has to beat some of the lesser pirates on the island and learn insults and their suitable responses (see examples) so he will be good enough to beat the swordmaster. Mêlée Island in The Secret of Monkey Island. ... Look up pirate and piracy in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. ... An insult is a statement or action which affronts or demeans someone. ...

Monkey Island 2

Though insult swordfighting makes no real appearance in the second game, Guybrush attempts to challenge Rum Rogers, Jr. to a duel with the same words he constantly uses in Monkey Island 1: "My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die." When Rogers remarks that real men don't swordfight (they drink!), Guybrush responds with, "Giving up so easily, eh? Wow! [Guybrush then faces the player] This game's a cinch!"

Monkey Island 3

In the third game in the series, Guybrush must engage Captain Rottingham in insult swordfighting in order to win back a map stolen by him. Again, he must first battle lesser pirates in order to learn insults. The insults in this game differ from the ones in Monkey Island 1 in that the insult and the response have to rhyme. Also, it all takes place on the high seas, Guybrush first has to engage in cannon battles with opposing ships in order to be able to board them, although the player has the option to have help from the computer in these fights. When at last Guybrush has gained enough insults, he can go to fight Rottingham. The evil captain will try to throw Guybrush off by offering different beginnings to the insults, but all you have to do is find a rhyme that will still make sense (Example: Rottingham: You have the sex appeal of a shar-pei. Guybrush: I look THAT much like your fiancee?). If one loses the battle with Rottingham and uses Rottingham's insults against lesser pirates, they complain that this isn't fair. Physical map of the Earth. ... A rhyme is a repetition of identical or similar sounds in two or more different words and is most often used in poetry. ...

In addition to the listed responses, Guybrush can also make seemingly random statements that rhyme with the insult that's just been thrown at him (such as responding to "I'll leave you devastated, mutilated and perforated!" with "The importance of breakfast cannot be overstated."). Needless to say, these responses are not correct.

Monkey Island 4

Insult swordfighting itself only makes a brief (and optional) appearance in the fourth game, when Guybrush has the option of challenging Ozzie Mandrill to a match. However, it is not possible to defeat him; his use of supposedly Australian insults confuse Guybrush, as he doesn't know the responses, rendering him incapable of responding. Ozzie Mandrill is a fictional villain in the 2000 adventure game Escape from Monkey Island by LucasArts. ...

Other forms of insult games also make an appearance in Monkey Island 4, most notably insult arm wrestling, which Guybrush must play in order for his opponent to join his crew as a navigator. Insult armwrestling works along the same sort of lines as insult swordfighting, this time with no need for the insults to rhyme (although some do) and with many new insults relating to perceived strength of the arms. Arm wrestling, also known in Italy as Roughanalé (Rō-fən-ǎlā), is an athletic contest in which two people place either their right elbows or their left elbows on a table, grip their hands, and try to force back the other persons hand to the table surface. ...

Examples of Insults

(In all cases the insult is listed first, followed by the appropriate response)

Monkey Island 1

• You fight like a dairy farmer.

  How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

(This is probably the most famous insult in the game, and has been used as a running joke throughout the series.)

• Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kebab.

  First you'd better stop waving it like a feather duster.

• You make me want to puke.

  You make me think somebody already did!

• My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!

  Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

• This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!

  And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

• My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!

  So you got that job as janitor, after all.

• People fall at my feet when they see me coming.

  Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

• I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.

  He must have taught you everything you know.

• Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will!

  You run THAT fast?

• I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

  I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

• Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?

  Why, did you want to borrow one?

• I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.

  Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

• You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.

  I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

• You have the manners of a beggar.

  I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

• I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

  Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

• There are no words for how disgusting you are.

  Yes there are. You just never learned them.

• I've spoken with apes more polite then you.

  I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

• Boy, are you ugly!
• What an idiot!
• You call yourself a pirate?

  Ineffective insults; will cause Guybrush to lose

Monkey Island 3

• En Garde! Touche!

  Oh that is so cliché!

• Would you rather be buried or cremated?

  With you around I'd prefer to be fumigated!

• I'll leave you devastated, mutilated and perforated!

  Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated!

• I'll hound you night and day!

  Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!

• I'll skewer you like a sow at a buffet!

  When I'm done with you, you'll be a boneless fillet!

• Throughout the Caribbean my great deeds are celebrated.

  Too bad they're all fabricated.

• You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligeé.

  I look THAT much like your fiancée?

• When your father first saw you he must have been mortified!

  At least mine can be identified.

• Heavens preserve me you look like something that's died!

  The only way you'll be preserved is in formaldahyde.

• You're the ugliest monster ever created!

  If you don't count all the ones you've dated!

• I have never lost a melée!

  Well you would have, but you kept on running away.

• You're ugly!
• You're stupid!

  Ineffective insults; will cause Guybrush to lose

Recurring Comebacks

In 1 and 3, there are comebacks that will be delivered by either you in the first, or your opponent in both 1 and 3. These comebacks have no effect, making either you or your opponent lose the current round of insults. They are as follows:

• I am rubber, you are glue.
• Oh yeah?
• I'm shaking, I'm shaking.

See also

• Monkey Island series
• Guybrush Threepwood

The Secret of Monkey Island, CD version. ... Close up portrait of Guybrush from The Secret of Monkey Island. ...

External link

• A full list of all the insults from the Monkey Island games from The Legend of Monkey Island