Welcome to the Nu-Metal debate. What is it about Nu-Metal that divides so much opinion? So just to add fuel to the fire, please enjoy what I think makes the ultimate Nu-Metal band.

Yes, that's right people it's a breakdown on how formulatic Nu-Metal has become.

WARNING: If you are offended by Nu-Metal Parodies, then please leave this Guide NOW! If you take this Guide seriously, then you have missed the point.

It's not only Nu-Metal that is parodied - Black Metal, Death Metal, Hardcore, Emo and Goth are just as ripe for humour in The Genre Guide

Content: Form your own Nu-Metal band Become the next "Slipknot" The 101 Rules of Nu-Metal 131 Ways To Tell You're A Mallcore Kid Response from Slipknot The Formula for Linkin Park exposed Site Feedback E-mail with your opinions Related Links

Form your own Nu-Metal band

Limp Bizkit: Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' (repeat to fade)

The late-nineties saw witness to the rise in number of "nu-metal" bands. Look a the US rock scene - everyone and their Grandma are downtuning their guitars and wearing baggy pants. Thanks to Korn's rise to superstardom, Limp Bizkit taking over the airwaves and Linkin Park turning teeny poppers into fashion victims, more and more untalented musicians are turning to rap-rock, death-pop, or whatever they call this genre for easy money.

By following these simple and easy to follow guide you too can form your own nu-metal band, musical proficiency not needed.

1) You must cover an 1980s novelty song for your debut release. This is not an option

2) You need a gimmick. This is essentially important for the vocalist (they're not singers) be it bullied at school, self-mutilation, playing the bagpipes or spooky appearance.

3) Recruit a female bassist. This will lead to initial magazine exposure before the critics notice you can't actually play. By this time you will have built up a hardcore following of teenage boys.

4) Write some songs. About 12 will fill up an album. Don't worry about B-Sides, use crap remixes instead. A whole remix album would be perfect!

5) Incorporate a trendy DJ member into the band for that 21st Century feel.

6) Claim to be "down" with your fans. Express your thoughts on topics you have no clue about such as the Presidential elections and rage how much Britney Spears sucks. Never speak up about anything remotely important.

7) Recruit lots of band members. About eight or nine is about right. Having three members is so passe nowadays.

8) Request famed nu-metal produced Ross Robinson to produce your debut. He will declare it to be most intense, pissed-off music ever released. Until the next one.

9) Claim Black Sabbath are your favourite band. Even if you've never heard of them, it's just cool to declare the Brummies as 'gods'.

10) Get the music press to compare your band to the Deftones and Tool and moan about how much you hate the comparisons. Put across that your own band are here to save music from all the rubbish currently in the charts even if your band are indeed rubbish.

You have not completed the 10 steps to becoming a trendy US nu-metal band. Go forth and sell one million copies of your debut album to the America youth and then disappear.

Become the next "Slipknot" *

Slipknot: God I'm boiling in this god-damn mask!

"It's like a scary version of Kiss" - Slipknot are THE noise of the new millennium and what better way to celebrate by forming your own tribute band. Don't put too much effort into it as by following these easy steps world domination will be yours.

1) Wear frankly ridiculous masks that are far more attractive than your own features complimented with a contrived stage uniform. Choose boiler suits - they are cheap and require minimum effort.

2) Recruit as many friends as your have - nine should do. In case you fall short, grab unsuspecting victims off the street. And of course, musical ability is inessential.

3) It doesn't matter if you can't play guitar, as the sound will be tinny and unrecognisable anyway. If you can't hear the bassist, all the better.

4) Don't forget to add annoying DJ scratching over the top of said noise. Why? Who cares! The kids will just love it?

5) Play the drums as if you are Animal from The Muppets, a sense of rhythm is not required.

6) Tape approximately four minutes of noise and give it a title. It doesn't matter if you cannot reproduce the noise onstage, as fans will be too overpowered by your "madcap" live show to realise.

7) Most important rule - get Ross Robinson to produce said noise. Why not jump on the bandwagon as everything Mr Robinson does is hailed as a masterpiece.

8) Swear constantly throughout interviews and state how F**KING INTENSE everything is (even if you're a nice homeboy really)

9) Make sure onstage entertainment is increased by getting band members to beat each other with some frozen cow heads, just for, you know, sheer delight.

10) Congratulations, you are now Slipknot!

• Mushroomhead were rumoured to have used these tips (or was it the other way round....!)

The 101 Rules of Nu-Metal These are the latest set of rules needed to start your own nu-metal band. There is a lot of truth in rules #7 #66 #78 #98 and of course #101. Be your own judge.

1. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath. 2. Make sure you don't sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they're your musical influences. 3. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable. 4. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$". 5. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone. 6. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview. 7. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD). 8. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one. 9. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel. 10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don't like. 11. No guitar solos. 12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only. 13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they... 14. ...are female or... 15. ...use the "slap and pop" playing style. 16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side. 17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along... 18. ...jump up and down... 19. ...put their hands in the air... 20. ...flash their middle-fingers... 21. ...and be careful not to hurt each other. 22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from. 23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one. 24. Make sure that at least one band member... 25. ...has been previously arrested... 26. ...drinks beer... 27. ...or smokes marijuana. 28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band. 29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55. 30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass". 31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass". 32. Pretend that you've been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold... 32. ...your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn't work... 33. ...donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations. 34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and there subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam. 35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory EVERYTIME. 36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length. 37. Say "shaznit". 38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible. 39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music. 40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers. 41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead. 42. Make sure you have at least one female member. 43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour. 44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back. 45. Pretend that you design your own website. 46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O' Brien to produce your record. 47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it's scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album. 48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album. 49. Always whine. 50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind 51. Body piercings are a must. 52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that's bald... 53. ...or have a goatee. 54. Pretend that you hate the world. 55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back. 56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt. 57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts. 58. Bite the microphone when singing. 59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison. 60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!" 61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut" 62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals. 63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes. 64. Always use seven-string guitars. 65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it! 66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977. 67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time". 68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis. 69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn't sound as heavy as you said it would be. 70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands. 71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are. 72. If you intend to copy someone else's sound -- don't use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art. 73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they'd do the same thing as well. 74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you're being compared to is one of your musical influences or.... 75. ...its just a coincidence. 76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you're a closet gay. 77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room. 78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can't pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do. 79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene". 80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year. 81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma. 82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves. 83. During live shows say that you're about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you've wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task. 84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band (ie. Mudvayne fans - DeathBloomsDig99) and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names. 85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word. 86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids". 87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you've never heard of them before. 88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future. 89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine. 90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times. 91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors. 92. Say that you're going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you. 93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom. 94. Pretend that you like Kittie's music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member. 95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that's not true! that's not true!" over and over again. 96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing. 97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise STUPID music. 98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single -- instant success! 99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can. 100. Strictly no guitar solos. 101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.

Addition: 11 June'02 / Author: Unknown

131 Ways To Tell You're A Mallcore Kid Submitted to the site by person unknown

Baby Blues: I swear the fans are getting younger!

1. Your hair is dyed a color that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy." 2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music. 3. You think ICP is funny. 4. You think Korn is a metal band. 5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL. 6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison. 7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face. 8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore. 10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit." 11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync". 12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands. 13. You call things "the shit." 14. You own a Dr. Suess hat. 15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson. 16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus. 17. You have a tribal tattoo. 18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you! 19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image. 20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!" 21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music." 22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot. 23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X. 24. You say some rap is good. 25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name. 27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either. 28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL. 29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre. 30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head. 31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien. 32. You think death metal is Satanic. 33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Mallcore simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness. 34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album. 35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam. 36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!! 37. You consider the black album "old Metallica". 38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label. 39. Best Buy meets all of your music needs. 40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool. 41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed. 42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video. 43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars. 44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public. 45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV. 46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest. 47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap. 48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it. 49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were". 50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain. 51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy. 52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64. 53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude." 54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent." 55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't. 56. You actually go out and buy the bands played on Farmclub.com 57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it. 58. You look like Fred Durst. 59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry. 60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL. 61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums. 62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit." 63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs. 64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on. 65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead. 66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it. 67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks. 68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight." 69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band. 70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band. 71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-mall metal sites(with bad grammar and obscene language, of course). 72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist. 73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your math teacher tells you to "knock it off!" 74. Every time a new mallcore band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at FYE, in the mall. 75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans. 76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot. 77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All. 78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn. 79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie. 80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store. 81. Your hair is more colors than a hippie's shirt. 82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory. 83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space. 84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th. 85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal." 86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends. 87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat. 88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits. 89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute. 90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank. 91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is. 92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something. 93. You've hit a "gravity bong." 94. You think of Cold as being emotional. 95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown." 96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal. 97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV and widely available in malls. 98. You really think Marilyn Manson mames animals on stage. 99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right. 100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182. 101. You own a skateboard. 102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass. 103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are. 104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is. 105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them. 106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994) 107. You say "y'all." 108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other mallcore bands. 109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on. 110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least fourty years old. 111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice." 112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them. 113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie. 114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt. 115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a mallcore nerd and foolishly try to fight them. 116. You think people who don't like mallcore don't listen to it because they can't understand it. 117. You think people who don't like mallcore can't take "hard music." 118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world. 119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER." 120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal." 121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant. 122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee. 123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were. 124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD. 125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck. 126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal. 127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album. 128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol. 129. You obstinately deny the influence of rap in mallcore even though many of them claim rap influence. 130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura. 131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.

• See also:

"The Alternative 76 Rules Of Nu-Metal" More 101 Rules of Nu-Metal

Response from Slipknot OK, I don't want to confirm whether or not the following e-mail was actually sent by the band addressing this guide and all the negative comments in "Feedback" section, so you have to decide for yourself.

I will certainly have to admit that a lot of you have some (sic) assed opinions about some crazy bands.

1. Anyone who ridicules a band by using an incorrect word (IE: slipknot fukkin sux) is incredibly ignorant and should seriously look up on getting a higher education.

2. Anyone who ridicules a band and doesn't have a thing to back their shit up (real facts and opinions), then you seriously need to read my recommended advise on #1!!

3. SOAD do not have lyrics in which over half of them are "ginuwinely" (correct spelling would be GENUINELY) non-sense. I respect SOAD mostly for their anti-war thinking! GOOD FOR THEM!

4. Knocking Slipknot, eh? Wow! That's a tough one! I didn't know it was even possible. Slipknot is one of those rare popular bands out there who actually have original sounds, looks, lyircs, attitudes, and they plain just don't give a shit who judges them, to be quite honest.I LOVE Slipknot for what/who they are! You need to recognize that knocking a band is NOT going to make them disappear, but it will piss you off in the end b/c all you are doing is wasting your pitiful a pathetic breath on your opinion which in no way is relevant to anything about a band. It is of non-importance, and your opinion shall stay that way.

5. Joey "1" Jordison - Slipkot's (sic) and excellent drummer. Who the hell said Joey has no talent, speed, or rythm? I would like to meet you and slap you with the harsh and cruel terms of reality! Wake up, my friend. Joey will never ever be beaten by ANY drummer in ANY band! EVER! My dad (you know how parents are) absolutely despises the music I listen to! I don't understand it, but, hey. . . I accept it. HOWEVER, he has told me - my dad is a drummer himself - that he has never seen a better drummer, or faster, than Joey 1" Jordison. This is coming from a guy who doesn't even like the band. I do reckon that is saying a lot!

5. For those of you who can defend your favorite band, and do it constructively and maturely without any name calling or mud-slinging, I respect you to the nth degree! It is more interesting to hear someone who may not like Slipknot, but explains in their own opinions why in a calm and collective way, than hearing someone say "nu-metal sux ass, and slipknot fukkin sux too"!

6. To the dude that made this "humor" section of the website. Bro, I am telling this to you as a friend to friend situation. In no way do I intend to criticise you in any way. This site was funny for about the first three paragraphs, then it went too far and it did get offensive. I found it quite offensive, but I am not having a conniption fit over it like most people would. I realize that you have warned us in advance to viewing the site that it was to be taken "in light of", but a lot of true fans are not going to sit there and laugh at the list, when it may pertain in a negative perception to their band. It just isn't funny, and I am just advising you to take a second thought on keeping this part of the site up. However, it's your choice.

I end with the note that I wish all my fellow maggots stay (sic), and may the 'Knot be your influence at all times!

Understand this: This has never been a popularity contest. The people we care for and work with know who they are and how we feel about them. Slipknot has never been into name-dropping. So, we dedicate this album to the ones that matter the most, our crazy fans and maggots all over the world. Stay (sic), fuckers!

- Slipknot (Iowa)

Addition: 08 July'02 / Author: Slipknot / address not given

2nd response from Slipknot The Nu-Metal Guide received a second e-mail allegedly from the band Slipknot, this time from singer Corey Taylor. Please note, I still cannot confirm if following email was sent by Corey Taylor.

To whom it may concern.... Hello, whats up, I really don't know you guys but believe it or not you know us, My name is Corey Taylor. This website has come to my attention when Sid told me about it, Which by the way, him and I think you guys are doing a great job, but there is one thing we hate that you did, you mentioned another bands name while talking about us. WE really would appreciate it if you guys are gong to make a site on us, do it without mentioning another bands name similar to us. Well, thank you for all the funny shit you guys made up, and which to let you guys know, we are totally focused on slipknot now, not our side bands. Keep in touch with our official website, and we might give a shout out to this one on our site. By the way thank you for letting me kill Fred durst, I like it a lot. Well, I have to go, make sure that you guys make progress with this site, and well be happy to visit soon. Stay (sic) Fuckers - Corey Taylor (8)

Addition: 22 April'03 / Author: Slipknot / address disclosed

3rd response from Slipknot Hey! Hey! The Nu-Metal Guide received a third e-mail allegedly from the band Slipknot, this time from Sid Wilson. Not proven if official. At least this time he checked that I was NOT American, sticking to the British stereotype.

NU-METAL: WHOM MADE YOU THE FUCKING JUDGE?

I think you have way to much time on your hands to talk shit about Slipknot.... By the way make sure you read my tattoos on my hands the next time you come to our shows.....You are a fucking MORAN!

P.S. I could say the same thing about British people how I think they all look like a bunch of fucking pasty faces, steak & kidney pie eating, weekend football brawling, drunkin morans with a fucked up voices MATE or shall I say BLOKE or BLOODY WELL PISSED OUT OF MY MIND MATE. The truth is your some nobody that can only write articles to piss off 14-17 yr old kids. I guess you are a man now.

Sid Wilson

Addition: 06 Aug 04 / Author: Slipknot / address disclosed

The Formula for Linkin Park exposed I don't normally put reviews up, but this Linkin Park piece from Playlouder.com neatly exposes the Nu-Metal formula. Like a BigMac, it sure tastes good at the time, but you are soon left unfulfilled.

Linkin Park - Meteora (Warner Bros.) 2 Stars

http://www.playlouder.com/review/741linkinpark.html

Hit songwriting is formulaic, and it's been that way since rock and roll first existed. Lennon and McCartney worked out a neat trick that everyone copied in the 60s. Motown too knew what ingredients a tune had to have for it to be a hit. Stock, Aitken and Waterman followed this formula, condensed it, sanitised it, and became arguably the defining sound of the 1980s. And Linkin Park know what makes a good nu-metal song, because they've executed the same system on practically every track on 'Meteora'.

So here's the blueprint: start with a nice modern processed drumbeat for 8 bars (16 optional), then come in with big, fizzing, power chords. Take the guitars down a notch and allow your mate to rap in a fairly unimaginative fashion. This is all part of the plan. The slightly drab verse builds up and before you know it you're upping the stakes, pulling out the stops, and hitting the kids with the huge angsty chorus, instruments thrashing wildly, vocals wailing, and the tune with a hook as dangerous as Abu Hamza trying to make his way to the bathroom during a powercut. The lyrical content has to be about the pain you feel, about being misunderstood, about how you can't change, or about how you want that herpes-ridden bitch you used to go out with to just, like, totally fuck off, man. Maybe your mates can shout behind you a bit here, to give your anger more authenticity. This whole process should then be repeated, and followed by a bridge that's a bit shouty. Then repeat chorus until only the most stupid of fans won't be able to recite it back like it's 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'.

'Hit The Floor' is the most ferocious track on the album, but follows the same rules. "Easier to Run", the track that proceeds it is the most sissy, but follows the same rules. Many of the choruses are great, but by about track eight you begin to realise this isn't about songs, this is about mathematics, and if you've actually paid for the album with your own money, you've been well and truly had.

Linkin Park were one of the best selling bands in the world a few years back, and with the threat of Avril Lavigne looming large, there has to be a scientific way of squeezing every last penny out the disenfranchised teenager market. On the CD there's an enhanced package which includes a feature called "The Art of Meteora". Physics more like.

Jeres - reviewed on 26.mar.03

Feedback

It appears people have strong opinions about the "Nu-Metal Guide". When I first put this guide on the web back in 2001, no-one took much notice for many months, but then all of a sudden I started receiving e-mails from people either amused / deeped offended about the content. To date, I've received so many responses to the Guide in the past 2 years that the "Feedback Archive" is now HUGE spreading over two very, very long pages. I promise you will find some gems amongst the countless opinions.

Because it's obvious Nu-Metal as a genre is reaching the end of it's shelf life, I suppose this Guide has become less relevant as time goes by. But I still receive many responses, so I'll keep posting them. I've also noticed several Message Boards have linked to this page and countless websites giving links - so it just goes to show how strongly people feel about this particular genre.

This page has even inspired a spoof Nu-Metal Band called PHOENEGAN at abrokencrate.com

Got an opinion? Then add your comments to the Guide.

Latest Entries

"Richard Detrick" <richard.detrick@gmail.com> - 29 May'05: I don’t know who is sadder, the webmaster for wasting the time to write this garbage; because I am sure that some person with more time than me could come up with a reasonably funny 101 list for his “real” metal,

OR - The twits that take this shit seriously and get pissed about some of the things he is writing. Big fucking deal he insulted Slipknot. You are supposed to be a non-conformist(that kinda means not giving a shit about what others say)!

But anyhow, it’s all funny to read. And if you want something good to listen to, go listen to some Robert Johnson, or Chuck Berry. And no one gives a shit about who is a faster drummer! Get over it everyone.

"Mitch seldenthuis" <neveraellyawake@hotmail.com> - 03 May'05: I just really want to thank you for that parody on nu-metal (which has its good points every now and then) because of all the referances you made to true metal bands. I started off with Mettalica (master of puppets) and moved into AC/DC, then hatebreed, found no satisfaction there, and finnaly found my true calling in music; Slayer, Lamb of God, Judas Priest, Children of Bodom, and i'm still searching for more metal along the thrash/speed lines, and I'll alwas jump at the chance for some death meatl as well. As to the Mallcore kid stuff, it's sad how many of todays youth are like that, believing in posers and trusting whatever the're told. And the fake rebbelion is the worst part! Fuck, i've ben through clinnical deppresion (no shit) and anyone who says the're depreseed should die. It's not a "thing that makes you cool", It's a disease. I attacked my dad with knives because i couldn't control my anger through depression. I thought Hatebreed ruled then, but I moved on, and now 15, I play bass and worship all bands that deserve to be called metal. All this poser bullshit is horrible for people like me, because metal isn't music, IT'S A WAY OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! ~Mitch

"Mike Smith <ragnvald@gmail.com> - 02 May'05: IHAHAHAHA i laughed SOOOO hard when i read the response about how the drummer from slipknot is the fastest drummer in the world or whatever it was. that guy needs to check out skinless, absu, nile, origin, cryptopsy, crimson moonlight, antestor, the legion, pretty much ANY band that has blast beats is faster than slipknot. ANY black metal band, any REAL death metal band, and any grind or goregrind band has a better and faster drummer than slipknot. maaybe they're the fastest in mainstream, but who cares about mainstream music?

p.s. oh man. how could i forget about the berzerker?! the berzerker is one of the fastest bands in the world...infact, i'm pretty sure THIER drummer holds the world record for the fastest single stroke double bass right now. look it up. there's some cold hard proof that slipknot's drummer, while talented, he is relatively slow in the world of metal.

"eric" <ericmyke@hotmail.com> - 21 Apr'05: Good description of a caricatural kind of music that is pompously called Nu-Metal. Nu-Metal is not True Metal -- Up the Irons

Ned Fellman <nef1619@yahoo.com>- 19 Apr'05: Hating Nu Metal - I have just 3 things to say:

1. I hate nu metal. It is for posers. 2. I like eating pussy more than getting a bj. Go figure. 3. If I ever get in the same room with the fags from Rage Against the Machine, I'm going to break all of their arms and legs using Brazilian Ju-Jitsu moves that I learned from watching UFC over and over a hundred times.

"Melissa Savisky" <Moomoogrl88@msn.com> - 05 Apr'05: Hey, I enjoyed your how to be nu-metal thing. Even though I love nu-metal. But the point is, that I don't think Mudvayne or Slipknot should be in that category. Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit don't sound anything like them in my opinion, because they rap a lot more and the sound is different. My point is, that Mudvayne and Slipknot are both very talented, although I do feel Mudvayne is more talented. I mean, Slipknot is my second favorite band but I still don't get why there are 9 people ya know? Ryan Martinie, Mudvayne's bassist, is very talented...Their drummer, Matt Mcdonough, is also. Plus, you actually need talent to play in odd time signatures, and since they have long ago lost the makeup, they are showing that the makeup didn't define them, but it was more of the theatrical aspect of the performance. Mudvayne isn't one of those crappy, I hate my life bands. They make their songs have deeper meanings, and also a positive side. All in all though, I liked the list, especially the mallcore kid one. The emo and hardcore ones were my favorite though. I do have two questions, why did you waste your time writing about something that you hate ? Just seems kind of dumb. And do you like any sort of metal or rock music? Because it seems like you bashed many of them. I was just wondering.

"Byrne, Rohan" <RohanBy@ggscorio.vic.edu.au> - 04 Apr'05: Rage against the machine in nu metal and I kicks ass

"Isobel HIE" <isobel.hie@cegetel.net> - 30 Mar'05: ho ho ho this site is spot on

boo hoo i hate the world wheres my facepaint what time is dad picking me up

ron.vanderven@videotron.ca - 24 Mar'05: Hey dude - You claim that your site is for the purpose of humor and comical value, but the fact is that you are still making fun of the bands, joking ro not, by reading this, ignorant peopel will hate the band(s). Either way, i still agree that "Nu-Metal" is crappy. MM, limp bizkit, linkin park, and korn do suck. but slipknot....no, man, just cuz they wear masks and such doesnt mean they suck. its like thats your only offense to making fun of them. I'm not impressed (yea, and i dont care if you dont care that im nto impressed, because all im saying si that you're a whiny ignorant fuck, BUT ANYWAY), Slipknot may have blowed at first, but every band grows, and evevolves as a band. Unfortuantely for korn limp mm and all those other bands, they went straight downhill (except soad also). slipknto grew up, growing away fromt he rap sound. they now have inspirational lyrics that mean something. oh, and for the record, there arnt as many songs by slipkntot hat u think that have lyrics that are depressing or about killign themselves. there's maybe 2 or 3, BUT NEWSFLASH FUCKER, all metal bands do it. i could go on and on, but i'd rather finish this off with this: I think you have a point about Nu Metal. it is widely mass marketted, its shit, and has no artistic value, but whats wrong witht hsi site is that you have nothing to back up anything written here. do some research and stop making assumptions. Stay [sic] fucker

"antonio maaaaate" <antonio_467@hotmail.com> - 24 Mar'05: hi, i must admit, that article thing was rather amusing, i myself like some nu-metal bands, but i do also like thrash metal and 80s metal bands. i just wanted to say the guy claiming to be sid wilson...is bagging out british people....even tho sid wilson's parents were from england.... anyone who gets to offended by someone rippin on there music is a pussy. i found it funny, and i think you researched the genre an found the steriotypes an used them well. thanks for a rather amusing read - antonio

"Keith Brewster" <"c..brewster"@sympatico.ca> - 23 Mar'05: I came across your site tonight, and laughed all the way through the "Becoming Nu-Metal" sections. One thing that I did have an opinion on however, was in the "131 Ways To Tell You're A Mallcore Kid". I don't see how you can classify Pantera into "Nu-Metal", when songs such as "Fucking Hostile" and "Domination" reigned as some of the greatest thrash metal hits of the 80's. System Of A Down can be classified into "Nu-Metal", but you also must take into consideration that unlike other "Nu-Metal" bands, they have created their own distinct sounds, and are completely original from any other modern bands. While other crappy "metal posing" bands lyrics go about as deep as "I'm so depressed, I want to kill myself", System Of A Down shares opinions on current events, and gives people a deeper insight about what's happening around them. I'll agree that Mallcore kids who only listen to it because they think it's "the latest fad, it's so cool", and instead don't understand the true representation of the lyrics, need to learn what makes good music. And just because Cannibal Corpse didn't start death metal doesn't mean they're a crappy band. They didn't "revolutionize" anything, but rather brought their own sound into the genre. I definately agree with the statement that people automatically assume they like a genre, because someone they know has transferred to it (ie. Phil Anselmo's side projects "Viking Crown" and "Superjoint Ritual"), it's ridiculous. It's like the kids who got all hyped up and automatically assumed Jay-Z was cool because he did a collaboration with Linkin Park. Hell, if he hadn't done that, the kids would say: "Holy crap dood, Jay-Z bites my left testicle. Don't get me wrong by my e-mail, thinking I hardcore listen to the bands I've mentioned, to set the records straight my favourite bands include: Sepultura, Morbid Angel, Death, Pantera, Exodus (some), Lamb Of God, Children Of Bodom, Metallica (old), Slayer, Gorerotted, Napalm Death, and Burn The Priest.

"jim and callye rose gibbons" <jcrgibbons@aristotle.net> - 23 Mar'05: hey- there is so much truth to what you said about slipknot. . . im sick and tired of these frickin preps who think they are hardcore because they listen to slipknot. . . .also, slipknot isnt metal, they are rock. to the person whose father said that Joey was the best/ fastest drummer he had ever heard, i encourage you to listen to Children of Bodom, Slayer, and Behemoth. The drummers in those bands would eat Joey for lunch, and crap him back out. . . he is not metal. after Curt Cobain (Nirvana) started using power chords, the talent level took a nose dive. . . Curt's music was different, everyone else is just a cheap ripoff of what he did. anyone that has played guitar for 1 1/2 yrs ( maybe even just 1) can now be considered "professional". I play lead guitar in a band, and alot of people who hear me play give me the " wow, youre great. . . .*blah blah blah*" bull crap. Ive played for four years and i still am learning new things every day. and also. . . to all the preps that i offended. . . im sorry, but listen to some REAL metal. Peace- "Shred"

"Brent A" <lordraven41@hotmail.com> - 13 Feb'05: There are is a lot of truth and humor to your rules of numetal (btw the rules of black metal was really awesome so good job on that if you wrote those that cracked me up big time). However, don't you think the term numetal is way to over used? It seems like anytime a band starts to break out of their underground status or gets one video on Headbanger's ball (which I think has some good stuff), they are automatically labeled numetal. Btw, what is up with putting pantera under numetal. If anything I would consider the 80's hair metal bands the equvailient to numetal back then not pantera (well other then the their short little glam metal period)

"Fernando Cheppe" <angeldemoniaco@hotmail.com> - 16 Feb'05: nu metal not only sucks... is also gay... I don't know if you have seen this page: Korn: http://www.metalsludge.com/main/index.php?module=subjects&func=viewpage&pageid=493

Here you'll find some pics of this nu metal heroes (???) in the beginning of their careers... Thrash Till Death, Keep The Metal Faith Alive & Let it Flow...

Fernando Cheppe Castillo - METAL FROM PERU

"Carol" <winski@cox.net>- 03 Feb'05: Thankyou very much for exposing the truth to people about these mallcore kids. I walk around school all day with people saying me and friends are gothic for wearing Death --- Kreator ---- and Destruction patches on our backpacks - they believe that Kreator is the only one that's a band. I spend half of my lunch period helping some younger kids experience true metal such as 80's Sepultura - very happy you mentioned that-- - these young ones have become my Slaves of pain --- My band plays early 80's thrash - and everyone goes crazy at shows and thinks wow yall are talented with solos and such - and this makes us sad to know that our generation has never experienced so many great bands just like us that were big in the 80's and died with the rise of emotional problems in the 90's - we are all 17 therefore too young to have experienced these great bands first hand - but we have found them through our constant search for better metal in the past few years and have done enough searching to get our hands on some of the greats of that time period -- thanks for exposing the hell in which we live today --- CYLA --- www.freewebs.com/cylaweb/ www.myspace.com/chokeyourlastally

"Deadhouse band from Detroit" - 31 Jan'05: If it was up to you metal would of died in the 80's.metal is expanding, just like any other genra of music, david hasselhoff is doing a project with ice t,WTF.the fact that crunchy guitars are finding there way to artists like alanis morisette is awsome, it means metal will live forever(dispite youre imature opinion and youre disability to see the evelution of music)and will probably lead to a 'nu' era of brutal music.......by the way slipknot has been around for almost 10 years..and without bands like them,,metal would be dead..and you would love it....good charolette, green day , nirvanna , new found glory, and all these boy band homos would be no where without metal...not to mention decades of studio inovation that metal bands have evolved.its gonna take some time for all you metal h8ters to understand how much metal music has changed the face of music.and p.s. liknkin park suxs ass. anyone who considers bands like this "metal' is fucking moron in the first place...

[a few minutes later....]

Making music is a good thing, so just because you cant actually play anything, dont h8 on people who actually can.if youre a teen who lives with mommy and daddy,youre opinion=shit.bands like slipknot have been working hard for alot longer than you think.try getting as big as slipknot,its not easy,100's of 1000's of people love them, wonder why, cause they have talent and raw energy, without slipknot who would you have to talk about, loser.get a life and move out of your parents house....good charolette sux,so does linkin park, you stick to youre goverment approved rock and roll, ill listen to music with real issues.youre all idiots without musical ability...good luck.

ChevielleBlue@aol.com - 27 Jan'05: This is coming from a nu-metal fan and actually, it's not bashing the site either! I openly agree that the people who restrict themselves to only nu-metal then say that they are something special is down right pathetic. Basically, I'm a fan of most types of music - rock, rap, metal, nu-metal, classical, pop, others. Anyway, the point I'm trying to get to is that I'm glad that someone is finally knocking some sense into the minds of little noobies shits that think that "SlipKnoT" and "Marilyn Manson" are oh so very gothic! Now, I'll openly admit, I show a few of those mallcore signs myself, but in turn I think a lot of people do whether they admit it or not.

"Justin Sears" <j_88@hotmail.com>- 14 Jan'05: aaaaaaaah that guide was freakin hilarious! i like the "first" (actually second, you knobs) linkin park cd. i dunno bout puttin pantera in there....but hey i didnt make the site! people bash nu metal, people say "props to nu metal!" i really dont care. i still like some korn songs a lot of system of a down, some old linkin park. but i find great humour in all the jests that you posted on the site. nu metal is good, just like the rest of it. the older guys just know what sounds a whole lot different and appeals to them. i'll listen to sabbath, i'll listen to linkin park, i'll listen to metallica and arch enemy and children of bodom and i'll even try to sing along! so appreciate all metal, but DAMN you had some of the funniest sht i've read on music EVER. and as for slipknot having the best drummer: there was a statement about someone's drummer dad saying that he's the fastest. wanna know why he said that? i'll tell you; because its the ONLY fast drumming he's heard in the last 10 years is my bet, unless he himself is into metal or speed punk and whatnot. if you check back here (and anyone that's interested) check out these speed freaks: amon amarth, arch enemy, children of bodom, anthrax, slayer, shadows fall, celtic frost, napalm death, and most good metal bands. w00t to this site, it was worth reading! and emo isnt for everyone, just the emotionally distraught :P

"JOSE HERNANDEZ" - 13 Jan'05: One to the super guide: I got to say this website is great? It's humor from wall to wall, I mean I liked and still like some of the nu metal bands like deftones, disturbed, and soulfly. (and I use to like linkin park) but I never got into the whole dress code or attitude crap. I have no piercings or tats and never done drugs. But, man this really made me realize how bored I must have been to like crap like this. I guess because it just came and it was there it might have hooked on to me or something, but if I was waking, this website helped out a lot it was a clean shot to the face. and i bet this site must've already shaken up some people to realize the crap they're hooked on. The only thing that I wan't you to do is start with the next thing which is this abnoxious horrofic trend called emo aka pop/punk I mean these idiots cry on stage. If nu metal had the saggy pants, emo has these really sufficating tight pants and small little t-shirts. These gays i mean guys think they're buff with these little shirts. I think it's time to show these ass clowns the crap they worship. All I know is that all these emo idiots idolize that moron Ashton kootcher or however you spell his last name. while your at it do the indy rock too that crap is just as annoying.

anyway keep up the good work always believe warrior

The Feedback Archive

Click on the funny Playstation Game to read literally hundreds of your comments on the state of nu-metal

Nu Metal Parody Band Exists! Yes, and it's name is "Side Project" who have their own page at http://www.newprojectonline.com/sideproject.htm

Dude, I tell ya, Fred Durst stole the idea from me!

see also: "The Genre Guide"

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TrueDorkTimes.com - "How to start your own nu metal band"

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BBC.co.uk - "How To Form A Nu Metal Band"

The Daily Page - 'What's nu'

'101 Rules of Black Metal'

The Nu-Metal Guide was featured on CDNOW's Miss Truth page

Click here to read their interpretation

"The Nu-Metal Meltdown" (MTV Asia article)

Originally written back in 2001. Has since grown in size... and then some!

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